I don't know what to say

I feel like shite.

I mean, how pathetic is it to be sat in front of my computer crying my eyes out? I miss my friends more than anything in the world. I mean, I miss my mum and dad but at least I've seen them since I moved and I can phone them etc. My friends? Nothing. It's the same cycle all over again. I think I belong somewhere and then it all goes wrong. I know I live on the other side of the country now, but would a text kill them? Maybe my paranoia wasn't paranoia and they really did just want to know me for what they could get? I don't want to think like that because I love them, but it's like they've forgotten I exist.

So here I am, crying, sat on my own but unable to pick up the phone and talk to someone. Is there something about me that makes me unable to form stable friendships? Do I expect too much from people? Then there are the thoughts that I hate, that I despise having; how I am insanely jealous of other people and their social circles. I want that, and because I can't have it I secretly want other people's lives to be as miserable as mine. That's just evil.

Will I have the balls to say any of this to the woman I'm going to see tomorrow? I doubt it. I'll just grin and answer the questions because that's what's expected.

I just want this all to stop. I can't cope like this.