Why do I do it everywhere I go? The same pattern over and over and the only common denominator is me. I have always been an outsider, the little freak in the corner wishing, hoping and praying that someone would like me, that there would be another human being with whom I'd get that unmistakable bond of friendship that you see everywhere but in my life. You know, the one person that will be with you through thick and thin no matter what. Quarter of a century on and still nothing. I see people who were friends in school still best mates now, and I don't speak to one person from school, college or my first uni any more. Those I speak to from my second uni, well its sporadic at most, and never those whom I thought cared.
Like I said, the common denominator is me. I must shove everyone away deliberately. I have no idea why, except that perhaps I expect too much of people. I pour my heart out to them and scare them away because what goes on in my head is so majorly fucked up they don't want to know. It's not fair of me to expect people to be able to help me. This is my own fucked up, twisted world that I've created and I shouldn't drag anyone else into it. Hell, I bet noone is even reading this.
Time to stop whining, to hide in bed and hope I sleep then plaster on the happy face when I get up. Yes I know I'm a whiney emo.
