Self Harm Awareness Day - category five hangover

March 1st - more notable for being the day of the patron saint of Wales but to many people I know it's something completely different. Self Injury/Self Harm Awareness Day is an international event aimed at increasing awareness and understanding of SH. As a member of the UK's National Self Harm Network I had the pleasure yesterday of attending a wellbeing fair and charity ball with the most amazing people ever, but more on that later :)

There are many misconceptions surrounding SH, and to be perfectly honest this makes me angry sometimes. Ignorance is never an excuse, and people can be hurtful when they judge on first appearances without bothering to check out their facts, forming their opinions based upon nothing more than speculation. This morning one of our party heard someone making a comment, asking whether he should be allowed in the hotel "like that" - like that meaning with some scarring on show - in case this family's child got upset. What riles me up about this is the only reason that gave it away as self injury is everyone in the hotel knew which charity we were with. If scars were the result of an accident would the family have made that comment with complete disregard to how much they could have upset and distressed someone. 

So yeah, I'd just like to dispel a few myths about SH in the hope that someone might find this post and learn something they didn't know.

SH is attention-seeking

Most people who self injure will try their utmost to hide it from other people. It is a private action aimed at relieving the emotional distress the person is feeling. Plus, if attention-seeking is the aim of the act there are far easier and less painful ways of getting it!

SH is attempted suicide

SH is a way of coping with life, not an attempt at death. It is used as a mechanism to keep going and deal with day to day, a survival strategy. 

The injury is superficial so it's not serious

I cannot stress this enough, the severity of the injury does not in any way relate to the severity of the distress the person is feeling at the time. Everyone is different and the amount of damage done is usually the minimum necessary to ease the distress. 

People who self injure are dangerous

The whole point about self harm is just that - it's only directed at yourself. It also doesn't mean that just because a person SHs they are crazy or insane, just having a hard time at the moment and coping in the best way they can the same way some people go home and open a bottle of wine after work. 

I could go on and on about the things people have said about self harmers, generalising all of us into one nice labelled box, but if you want to know more check out NSHN and it's forum. 

My history of self harming goes back about ten years now. I've heard allsorts, been told to just stop, grow out of it etc. Mine does not class as severe, and I am harming far less frequently than I used to. There was no significant trigger to the first time I did it, no traumatic event or abuse. There was just an overwhelming feeling of self-loathing that I couldn't get relief from in any other way. Nobody put the idea in my head, I had no idea that anyone else did it but I knew that I had to lie about the injuries and keep it secret. It took a couple of years for my parents or teachers to notice, and only then because someone found my diary. The reaction I got only made me more secretive and even more determined to avoid anyone who was trying to 'help'. My instances increased in timing, severity and number, peaking at a time when my mental health was dire. I had approached my GP on a couple of occassions because I was terrified that one day the suicidal feelings I was staving off with SH were getting to the point where they couldn't be subdued. One one occassion I was told to "stop being so silly", and another time I was given antidepressants without any other type of support to work through why I felt like I did. 

Now the scars from my worst time are faded to my normal skin tone; I am very lucky with how well I heal and you can only really see the ones on my arms if you're looking closely. I haven't stopped, just moved to less visible places. I have a degree in chemistry, work full time and am slowly finding reasons to live again. Aside from my red and black hair and a tendency to dress like a goth there is nothing remarkable about me, you could walk past me in the street and not have a clue that I am depressed because that's my battle. If I trust you I may open up and share my feelings. I go out and have fun because depression and self injury are not what I use to define myself. I am me, the scars are just a part of that. 

So where's the hangover come into it?

Well, Friday night was in the bar until 3am, last night I was up until about 4:30am. There was much Blackthorn consumed, buck's fizz and gin. Unfortunately some of the aforementioned Buck's Fizz ended up being spilt down my wonderful burgundy satin ballgown at the very start of the evening. 20 minutes under the hand dryer in the ladies toilets and all was sorted, if a little sticky. I danced to some shameful tunes, drank far more than is healthy but the best of all was getting the chance to put faces to the names. I think I now have some very good friends now that they've seen past my demeanour on the forum. Hell, we even had a two man mosh pit to Killswitch Engage in someone's room. It was the ultimate 'up yours' to the people who think that people who self harm are nutters or depressed all the time because we had a fantastic time! I hope this good mood lasts because I feel better than I have in a long time.